Month of death – with the hope of fruits.

My grandmother is the woman standing up in the red shirt. ❤

I know I know.. “Month of death” It sounds morbid, but that is what this month has been for me, for us, for my family. It’s interesting how life works, we’re all born into this world and we all eventually die. Some of us are scared of dying and the possible suffering we might endure. [I assure you we are stronger than you think.] Some of us are not scared, and gladly welcome whatever life throws at us, even if that means we leave this earth too soon. 

I have been away from the blog world a little bit because well, death. First my grandmother passed away, she lived a great life. She lived well into her 80’s and while she did suffer for 11 years, she had a great life. I was so grateful to see her suffering end. It was and is sad to know she is no longer earth side and I will no longer be able to see her, but her memories and spirit live within me. It is especially sad for my grandfather who knows no other life without my grandmother, his wife. They were married 65 years. Can you imagine, 65 years with someone? He stayed right by her side all 11 years of her sickness, and that is admirable. We can all aspire to be the lover, caregiver, supporter, and faithful husband he was. 

At my grandmother’s funeral, there was no eulogy, there were no personal words spoken about her. Everything spoken was from people who didn’t know her. Personally, I felt this was a disservice to the beautiful life my grandmother lived. So, I wrote one. The next blog post will be my grandmother’s eulogy that she didn’t get to have. While it continues with the death theme, it is a little more light and airy. I hope you enjoy it. My grandmother was a fun lady. She had her weaknesses, but don’t we all?

Two weeks later, my father in law passed away suddenly, and unexpectedly (kind of). I will say this is VERY fresh and still very much an open wound for the family so I won’t go into too much detail about everything. However, what I will discuss is the perspective of a spouse supporting and loving through the death of a parent. My husband’s father was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, and died a few short days later. It was tragic and unexpected for him to leave us so soon. 

While my father in law and I had our differences, I respected him. He was the father to my husband. He cared for me because he knew how deeply I love his son, and he loved his son (my husband) with his whole heart. He was so proud of everything his son had accomplished, and so am I. We had that in common. He cared for his family so deeply, all he ever wanted was to be in the presence of those he cared about. Regardless of your relationship with the person, when they are such a big part of your life (father to my husband, grandfather to my children) you experience some kind of pain and sadness. I am sad for my children, they will never know him, they will have minimal memories with him, and we cannot get that back. My husband will go on for the rest of his life without his father around to help him walk through life’s challenges, and that especially makes me sad.

Death leaves us with a void, with a hole, feeling sad and sometimes even alone. Throughout this month I have really been trying to think about the fruits that come from death. From my grandmother’s death, I was able to reconnect with so many cousins, aunts, uncles, and even meet my godmother for the first time in my adult life. I know my grandmother was smiling down on all of this. I am making it my personal goal to not lose touch with this family I have had the privilege to reconnect with. My husband’s family has been able to reconnect in a different way as well. For that I am truly thankful, and I hope it continues to grow for them. They need each other in the healing process. 

Grief is a process folks. There is no start and stop. There is only a path, a road, a trail, that you continue to go down, and each passing minute, hour, day, week, month, year gets easier. 

This is a part of life. How do we turn it into fruits?

Xo, jessica

From Mother to Mother

Happy Father’s Day to all you wonderful Father’s out there. I hope your day is filled with family fun, that you feel loved and appreciated, and that you are able to spend some time reflecting on your role in your child’s life.

In late May, I lost a friend. She died giving birth to her sweet baby girl Margaret Charles. Now, I don’t know any of the details, but I can’t help but get frustrated thinking it’s 2019, mother’s shouldn’t die giving birth to their children!

Some statistics I read that only added fuel to my fire…

The CDC says, “Women in the United States are more likely to die from childbirth or pregnancy-related causes than other women in the developed world. More details are needed to better understand the actual causes of death, but research suggests that half of these deaths are preventable. Racial disparities persist. The risk of pregnancy-related deaths for black women is 3 to 4 times higher than those of white women.”

From National Geographic, “More than 700 women die each year in the U.S. from causes related to pregnancy or childbirth. Black women have a maternal mortality rate three times higher than that of white women. At least 60 percent of maternal deaths are preventable.”

Sarah O’Steen McArthur – she was a firecracker. Quick on her feet. Vibrant. Happy. Positive. Inquisitive. Thoughtful. Daring. She was ALWAYS up for a challenge. Someone shared with me that when she came to graduate school she had never been on a canoe, and to be honest when I first met her, she didn’t look like the kind of person who would even think about getting on a canoe. She took a class that was based in the outdoors and went canoeing for the first time. That next semester she decided to take her staff canoeing as a team builder. That was the kind of person she was! Confident. Always looking for new ways to grow and be better. She was a light, her smile and laughter would light up a room. You could not have a frown when you were around this woman. She radiated JOY and HAPPINESS. Even when she was angry, it was like there was still this light about her. I remember when she announced on Facebook that she was pregnant — I was OVERJOYED for her and her husband. She was due in May (and since both my babies are May babies) I reached out and told her how excited I was for her and that of course May babies are the best! In true genuine Sarah fashion, she shared how thrilled she was to be expecting and that she would certainly be in touch with me about all baby things when the time came…. and now she’s gone. Just like that, gone.

This Father’s Day I would like to celebrate Marshall McArthur. In May, he lost his radiant wife and gained a beautiful daughter to which he is now her sole provider, cheerleader, advocate, parent, lover, and caregiver. He is grieving and joyful. He is angry and grateful. In my honest fashion, I do not know Marshall that well. But the people I do know that know him speak nothing but greatness about him. Sarah loved him. I cannot imagine what he is going through on a daily basis with a newborn and grieving the loss of his partner in life. They planned to go into the hospital as a family of 2 and come out a family of 3. I still cannot fathom this tragic loss.

I don’t want to get too political here, but it seems if we are going to ban abortion, we should figure out how to keep women alive during childbirth first. Let’s not put the cart before the horse here people. Beautiful souls should not lose their life bringing life into the world. It’s just not necessary.

Happy Father’s Day to all the Father’s out there — and cheers to you Marshall.

xo, Jessica

By the way: if you would like to give financially to Marshall and Margaret, please do so here. Marshall will have to figure out how to financially support Margaret on one salary (where originally he planned to have 2 salaries) and both of their families live in NC/SC and currently he is residing in California, so I am sure travel money would also be helpful for family support. Anyway  you can help is uplifting.