JUDGY mcJUDGERSON

Public Service ANNOUNCEMENT – let’s all stop judging. Like for real. Stop it right now. You are not in a place to judge. I am not in a place to judge. NO ONE is in a place to judge. So just stop it. We are only hurting each other, like deeply hurting each other. We all have a story. We all come from somewhere, and we may not always wear that story on our sleeve.

I was recently with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and her bag came open. There lay a box of cigarettes. I said “What is that!?” Pointing to the box of cigarettes. She immediately fired off with “Don’t judge me!! I like a cigarette when I drink. I promise it’s not a habit!” I see now my “what is that?” statement could come off judgy… but here was my follow up. “I am not judging you at all, you can make your own decisions. I just want you to put good things in your body because I care about you. If you smoke when you drink, then I commend you for being able to own up to that.” I was so sad that she immediately thought I was judging her! That was not my intention – I was more so surprised and honestly wanted to make sure she was making healthy decisions. Cancer is real, and I just can’t see that nasty disease take anyone else I love!

How many times are you walking through the grocery store and say something in your head like: “What is she wearing!?” STOP! Or you are at a restaurant and you say “Look at those kids with the cell phones and headphones!? Can you believe their parents let them have technology at the dinner table?” STOP IT! “Can you believe she is going out with him?” STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! Women – let’s stop being so hard on each other! I mean really it’s not that hard to be nice. We are isolating ourselves by judging others. The worst is scrolling on social media, we see something and say “Man, can you believe he/she is doing… [fill in the blank].” Why do we do this? Does it make you feel better to judge someone else’s actions/thoughts/decisions? Brene Brown would say that judging comes from a place of vulnerability — where we feel vulnerable is where we judge.

Lately, I have been working on changing my brain to say positive things about people out loud and in my  head. Recently I was at the airport, and I was people watching, and changing my brain to think positive statements “She has nice shoes.” “Her hair is beautiful.” “She has great posture.” “Look at that sweet family handling their kids like a team.” Want to know something crazy? It was easy to say nice things, AND I felt so good about it! So often we sit and have nothing but negative comments – everything is negative – if you think negative thoughts about others then what on earth are you saying about yourself?

The next level to this would be to just acknowledge the situation for what it is and move on, wasting minimal brain space on anything. It may look something like this.. You are scrolling on Facebook and you see your friend is at the beach. Instead of saying something like “How are they affording this beach trip? They look so perfect on the beach, how do they do it?” ..and the spiral of thoughts that come after that… You could say something like, “They are at the beach how awesome!” and move on. The end. Don’t think about it anymore, don’t waste brain space. We waste SO.MUCH. brain space criticizing and thinking about other people in a negative light. Let’s stop– and consumed that space with writing nice notes to our community that might need it, or complimenting someone you see out, or actively listening to a friend who really needs you. Let’s take that energy and do something productive. 

Women criticize each other now harder than ever. Let’s give each other grace. Let’s give ourselves grace. Let’s leave the judgments in the grave. Let’s be nice. Like genuinely nice. Judging is like a bad habit.. Give it 30 days and you can break that habit. Being aware that you are doing it is half the battle. If you can commit to not judging I guarantee you will 1. Have less drama and frustration in your work place 2. You will feel better about yourself 3. You will have a new light on the world around you 4. You will have more mind space to think about things that matter.

Everyone has the freedom to make their own decisions. Let them be judgment free.

Xo. Jessica

Not your HOW TO…

This is not a blog on “how to” do life. This is not how to cook, how to save money, how to have the best holiday season, how to be the best mom, etc. Now occasionally you will see a how to from my own experience, it’s just something I did that worked for me, and I am sharing with you because maybe you want to practice a little trial and error to see if it works for you. What do you have to lose?

This is a place to help you create your own how to list. There is no book on life, that is the best part. We are all creating our own how to book. This is a place to help contribute chapters to your own how to do life book. Each season, each experience, each lesson is a different section of your book. If you had to write a table of contents for your life, what would it look like? [Not kidding, go write your table of contents.]

A snippet of my table of contents — I can’t expect you to be honest and vulnerable if I am not:

1. Cuban Culture
2. Childhood – FL
3. Missouri
4. High School – NC
5. Divorce
6. College years
7. Post College years – Raleigh
8. International travel
9. Grad School
10. Dating life
11. Marriage
12. Mom-ing so hard.

I want you to be open, and vulnerable when you are thinking about your table of contents — just like I want you to be open and vulnerable when you think about what’s ahead in your life.

While I wrote my table of contents, I thought about all the experiences and memories that have shaped me throughout my life. I can remember how I felt at that time, and as I look back at each memory I think about all the lessons I learned and how it has all played out later in my life and even now. [Honestly, it brings a lot of perspective to my mothering and my anxieties.]

One day, I was on the phone with one of my best friends who went to medical school right after undergrad and then went through 3 years of residency — she was telling me how she felt like life was happening — her friends were getting married, or already married and having kids, they were buying houses and cars and basically hitting all the “typical” life milestones. Who says that is the way life is suppose to go? ← literally I said that to her. NO ONE! Make your own path, make your own how to book, make it your own. Own it, love it, live it, write it down! That’s the beauty, that’s the joy of life. No one is going to tell you how to do it, you are going to read all the self help books, go to all the counseling, read all the blogs, and you are still going to feel like you aren’t yourself, and it’s because you aren’t. You need to make your own way. Take action, a small step is a step, and I am going to venture to say, you’ve already taken lots of valuable/meaningful/admirable steps, give yourself grace.

It took me until my 30’s to really explore my own story, my own path, and start to write my own book. Brene Brown says between the ages of 30-60 is when we are able to explore our story through vulnerability. She says, between the ages 30-60 is when you realize these are the cards I have and now what do I do with them?

The story is for you to create. The story doesn’t end until well.. The end. (know what I mean?) And your life is so important, your story is your legacy. Write your table of contents, you will see all of your accomplishments, all of your friends/memories/moments. Let’s create our stories together, be vulnerable, and love so hard.

Xo. jessica

ps. this is the book I reference by Brene Brown — DEFINITELY worth a read. Here’s a TED talk about it to get you pumped.

Moana

Everyone has seen Moana right? If you haven’t, you should. It’s a great movie with a plot that doesn’t include a prince saving a princess. There’s no age restrictions on this movie, just do yourself a favor go watch the movie, and then listen to the soundtrack on repeat – that’s also just as great! Stick with me here, I am going to talk about Moana for a little bit. [If you have kids, you are probably like: watch the Moana movie 10,000 times.. check!, listen to the soundtrack 20,000 times…check!]

I have heard the song “How far I’ll go” (linked here) probably close to 20,000 times since it came out, and just the other day I had this revelation that it is so true for me and maybe for you all too! “Who knows how far I’ll go?” Moana is the next in line to become the tribal leader, she talks in the song about how everyone on her island has a roll to fulfill and hers is to be a leader of her island. She doesn’t feel called to be this leader she is told she needs to be, she feels called to the water, but no one allows her to explore it because her family and her village made it seem taboo due to past negative experiences with the ocean.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE THAT!? Do you feel like that right now? Do you feel like you are not doing what you are meant to do? What is stopping you from exploring that ONE thing, that ONE thing that is going to inspire you, that is going to allow you to “lead your people” to a better place?

I felt like that about 4 years ago after I had my daughter when I took her to daycare for the first day, I thought to myself, WHAT AM I DOING? I have dreamed of becoming a mother and loving on my children, and now I’m taking her to daycare for 9 hours a day for someone else to love on her. [Let me take this moment to say if you are a working mother cheers to you! If that lights your fire – do it lady! This is about my experience and being a working mother with my child in daycare put my fire out.] I was not my best self for anyone, not even myself. I was determined to find a way to stay home with her more even if it meant financially taking a few steps back. This was a long process [that I will dive into in another blog post soon] but I am able to stay home with my children more now than ever, and although we have tough days, there are also those wonderful days that make it all worth it. Plus I am my best self. I get to be my best self for my kids because I get to watch them grow and learn about them and that ladies, that fuels my fire. What fuels your fire?

No really – listen to that Moana song – and think “WHAT FUELS MY FIRE!?” For Moana, it’s the water. She goes against everything she knows and everything her family tells her to figure out why she feels called to the water. Maybe you don’t know what lights your fire, and that’s okay. Give yourself grace and navigate those waters — ha, no pun intended. Maybe you do know and you don’t know how to explore it, or you feel overwhelmed, or it’s just not in the cards right now… that’s okay too. Be patient, be persistent, be diligent. We are good at making excuses FOR EVERYTHING, I am sure it’s a lot easier than you think. Don’t be afraid. Fear is the prison for all great things, you are worthy, you are brave, you are strong, figure out what fuels that fire and get it. 

Go watch Moana.. for the first time.. or the 100th time.. watch it with a new perspective. Be inspired.

the honest truth: this is ever changing based on the ebbs and flows of life, its okay if you don’t have the answer in an hour, one day, a week, a month – write down every thing that resonates with you and start there.

Xo – Jessica

Renewal

Recently I talked about going to that women’s conference at my local church.. and they talked about renewing your spirit in the Lenten Season. I have thought a lot about this in terms of how we renew our spirit.

Currently, I am on a plane traveling by myself (woohoo!) to Texas to visit my bestest friend in the world who’s basically my sister, and to go to a dear friend’s wedding. Double Whammy in Texas – a state I love – and I’m doing it all in about 30 hours including travel. Some of you would read this and think “What in the world? Are you crazy!?” I think of this trip as a time to renew my spirit. I love traveling – I have always loved traveling. [To be clear I don’t love traveling with kids. It’s challenging beyond my gray hairs can handle and quite frankly it’s just not fun. A 4 and 2 year old cannot handle being still long enough to enjoy the joys of travel.]

That bestest friend I was talking about provides me with such comfort – she knows about my whole life, and any opportunity I have to see her renews me, fills my cup, and makes me a better me. I also cry like a little baby every time I leave her, but it’s happy/sad tears. Happy to be with her, and sad to leave her.

This friend’s wedding I’m going to, man, she was such a huge influence on my high school days. She brings out the best in me, she always has, and she’s getting married! We’ve had so many conversations and dreams about this day, and it’s finally here, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. We aren’t as close as we used to be, but we are the kind of friends that we can just pick up where we left off. That’s the best kind of friend in my book. One of the best parts of my trip… SLEEPING IN A HOTEL BY MYSELF.. don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping next to my husband, but sometimes a full night sleep alone is just what the Doctor ordered. And that is what I will do!

Obviously with 2 little kiddos at home [and living on a budget] it isn’t always possible to hop on a plane and scoot away for the weekend – so after the conference I really settled in with what it means to renew. GOOGLE says the definition of renew is: “give fresh life or strength to.” The spirit, mind, body, and soul, all need renewing. You are not bionic. How do you renew? Spend some time with a piece of paper and a pen/pencil and really think through 3 things: 1. What does renewing mean to you? 2. How do you renew? What do you need to make it happen? 3. How do you know when you need renewing?

Here are my answers:

1. Renewing means a sense of refreshment. I want to feel like the cold bubbles on my lips from my sparkling water on a hot summer day.
2. Going for a run, seeing and spending time with close friends and family, spending quality time with my husband, traveling (without kids), sitting on the beach in silence listening to the waves, kisses and hugs from my babies. Most of the time to make any of these things happen I need childcare or a successful nap time. Childcare can be hard to come by, making spirit renewal difficult… MAKE IT A PRIORITY! You won’t regret it.
3. I need renewing when the little things start to irritate me. When I start dropping a lot of things ( I don’t know why, but when I’m a little off, I drop things..) When I’m snippy and short with the people I love. When sleep is hard to come by.

This exercise was SO helpful to me – you should spend some time answering these questions. Really dive deep into them. Write your answers on a piece of paper in a notebook/calendar that you see often. Remind yourself that you are important and you  deserve to be renewed. Share the answers with people around you who can help you make this happen. You will feel so much better and so will your community.

the honest truth, you won’t always be able to renew. It’s okay. You will be okay. Work on making time to make this happen. Also this will evolve over time. The thing that renews your spirit may not renew you in 6 months. Always check in with yourself.

Xo. jessica

 

What the heck is Self Care anyway?

This year my word is “Self care”. (And how appropriate for yesterday being Mother’s Day right?) For the last 4 years I have been pregnant or nursing and none of that time was about me. Do I sound selfish? Good! I need to be selfish. The only way I can provide for everyone else is if I am selfish sometimes. I recently read this book to my children called “Have you filled a bucket today?” It talks about filling others buckets and dipping into your bucket, dipping into other people buckets.. pretty much how to love others and fill their buckets up which will in turn fill your bucket up and allow you to fill others buckets again — it’s cyclical, and my bucket wasn’t getting full, so I needed to figure out how to do that to be my best self.

At the end of 2018 I made a list of all the things I wanted to do, and thought to myself why can’t I do them? I can do them — I just need to be intentional and make it happen because I am worth it. Hence where #selfcare2019 came from.

I want you to make a list of things you want to do for yourself. No more than 10 things over the course of the year that will make you a better person for the people who need you most and ultimately for yourself. Go.. now.. make the list. Not kidding! 

Here are some of the items from my list:

1. Go to a counselor.
2. Read more books – I ended up getting audible for a little while because reading an actual book is not in the cards for me right now. But then I discovered my local library has something similar to audible. So I have been reading up a storm!
3. Find a way to inspire women.
4. Stay off social media.
5. Unfriend people who do not contribute to my positive vibes.
6. Make friends/family a priority.
7. Go to the beach.
8. Love my body.
9. Get into a good sleep routine.
10. Be a more intentional mom.

You see? These are not over the moon ridiculous goals. But these were all things I wanted to do, and I have made them a priority. That’s the key here folks. You can’t make the list and file it away. You need to make the list, post it somewhere you see it all the time, and MAKE IT A PRIORITY. You will thank yourself later, I promise. If you have to share with a friend to keep you accountable, do that. You will feel so much better because you did this. Don’t let your list of self care stay in your mind among all the other thoughts — write it out. Read it every day. 

Currently, I am in month 5 of my self care challenge, and my family notices a difference in me. I am more present. I am able to do more for myself and in turn I am able to do more for others. If you have to take a break from others for a little while to get yourself in check, then do that. YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. What are some things on your list? Go make the list right now, stop making excuses for something you haven’t even written down. How are you going to make them happen?

Think… forward motion. You can do this.

The honest truth: I shared my list with my husband and said I need to complete these things to be a better wife. I tell my children I need to do things for myself so I can be a better mommy. It is uncomfortable because we typically aren’t used to doing things for ourselves – it’s okay – you’ll get used to it. Don’t give up. You are so important.

Xo, Jessica

The Honest Truth Blog.

I’m pretty sure if you ask any of my friends one of the first things they would say about me is, “She’s an open book.” Or “She will tell it like it is.” Or “She doesn’t bullshit.” Because it’s true. I am a real, down to earth, talk about anything kind of gal. Literally anything.

Some people may look at this as a negative quality – and actually I did too for a little while. Mainly because I felt like I should be more reserved and reign in my “real talk” to be what people wanted me to be. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS? I couldn’t do it! I would try, and fail, and then I would get mad at myself, and lose self esteem, and the cycle would continue over and over. Until one day – pretty recently actually – I decided I didn’t care. I couldn’t hold my self back from myself. Would you believe when I decided to just be my true self, people started complimenting me. “Thank you Jessica for being real. I appreciate conversations with you.” WHAT THE HECK!? Why did I hold back all those years??

All of this soul searching has led me here to — The.Honest.Truth. I want to share with you the truth, the raw pieces of life. Nothing will be sugar coated. [And I expect you all to hold me accountable.] When you are writing sometimes it’s hard not to make things a little cushy to peak interest. That’s not my goal here. I want you to read because it’s the honest truth. I want you to walk away feeling like you learned something, feeling like you are not alone, feeling like you can conquer your tomorrow, your week, your life. I will always write from stories that have happened to me personally, or thoughts that have come to me in my life. Feel free to comment, feel free to share your stories. [Please take your judgement and negative energy somewhere else.] This blog is meant to build a community of truth.

I used to teach a postnatal fitness class, and while we were there for a workout, the best part of the class was the community that we built. I am still friends with those women and I respect them so much for all the struggles and decisions they have had to make and will continue to make for their family. Let’s build community right here, sharing our real and raw stories in a safe place.

I don’t know you, but I want to believe you are being the best.truest.realest. form of yourself that you can be everyday. If you aren’t – start now. We will move through different conversations that will help you discover who you are and help you live out your best self. It took me A LONG TIME — and I am still working on this because I believe this is an ongoing thing. I was actually mad at myself for a little bit, “why couldn’t I figure this person out sooner?” I would ask myself over and over.. the best answer I could come up with was, “because it wasn’t time. You needed to experience life a little to really know who you are.” Your answer might be different, but that’s what I’ve got. I’m hoping to guide you through a different way of thinking, through some self exploration, and some fun and funny real stories about life. 

Here’s a little more about who I am because I want you to know all the things about me — I want you to know I am real and I care: I’m a mom. I love to cook. I sweat.. like a lot. I have adult acne that I battle daily. I have lower back pain that flares every now and again, I’ve had it since I played soccer in high school. My family is Cuban. I speak Spanish. I am a Sigma Kappa. I love photography, but I don’t think I am good enough to start my own company so I’m always a second shooter with other established photographers. (Maybe one day..) I always want to do more. I wish there was more time in the day because I want to do everything. I like driving. I like NASCAR. My favorite drivers are Chase Elliot and Ryan Blaney. Cancer sucks. I love coffee, too much. I love to travel. I have club thumb. [google it.] I cannot survive without my contacts/glasses. I love to workout. I can be anything. I can do anything. I hate cleaning toilets. I’m a little bit of a germaphobe. I’m a little bit of a perfectionist… truth: a lot of a perfectionist. I love a massage. I love the beach.

Follow me on this journey. I will have guest bloggers because I have some REALLY awesome friends who have a lot of real things to share. [I realize I’m biased, but my friends are my community and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.] I’m so excited to get started! Share a little bit about yourself below. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing. Let’s get this truth party started!

Xo, Jessica

Hello There!

I recently attended a conference at my local church – it was a women’s conference, and they had presenters to talk about different topics regarding renewing your spirit in the Lenten season. Would you believe they didn’t introduce any of the speakers? You know typically they would say something like, “…and now help me welcome (insert the name of your choice here) she is a best selling author of ____ and a researcher in ____…” You get the idea… well there was none of that! Apparently, the people who spoke at this conference were authors and well known folks in the Christian world, and honestly I only know this because I looked them up myself. Had I known they were big timers I would have introduced myself and… well, probably not, but it would have been nice to know.

That statement above is coming from someone who is adamant that it doesn’t matter who you are as long as you have a message that resonates with people. I want to speak to women all over about being their best self, I want to mentor and help women get to a place that is happy for them (because it’s okay to feel JOY), where they feel empowered to do anything, where they can say no and where they can say yes if they want – it ain’t easy out there ladies, but the good news, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

While it would have been nice to know the speaker was an author or a well known public speaker, or a mom, or a wife, sister, college graduate.. it would not have changed my thoughts on the message. And that is what I believe is important.

So, as we begin this journey together, here’s a little bit about me. I am a wife – I have been married for 7 years this year, and I downright love my husband. He is so perfect for me in so many ways, he is my best friend, he is my rock. Now let me be clear, it isn’t rainbows and butterflies all the time. As a matter of fact, the other day [during bath and bed time with our 2 kids] he decided he was going to go tighten a pipe in our guest bath because there was a slow leak behind the toilet. Next thing I know, there is a loud rush of water, and a busted pipe. This led to an emergency plumber visit and a less than smooth bath and bedtime… I was less than thrilled…  But you know, these things happen in a marriage, we talk about it, pay for the plumber, and move on because honestly what’s the sense in lingering on it?

I am a mom. This is one of the best parts of me. I love being a mom. I actually remember being pregnant with my first child and people asking me [at 38 week pregnant] “Are you ready for your life to change forever?” and you know I did this awkward laugh and said something like “I guess! There’s no turning back now!” Looking back I wish I would’ve said something like “YES! I can’t wait! I have dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life. It’s going to be the best journey yet!” That’s just how excited and enthusiastic I was and am about my mom life.

I am a college graduate – I went to NCState for undergrad and majored in Biology. I was going to go to medical school, but decided at the final hour that it wasn’t for me. I went on to AppState to get a Master’s Degree in College Student Development, worked in the field for a bit, and now I work with an HR company. — My dad came over for dinner the other day and made it clear that I have 2 degrees that do not contribute to my current employment in HR or as a stay at home mom – I disagree. I feel all my work and education experiences have contributed to this moment in my life. Everything has transferable skills, it’s just a matter of how you use them! Don’t EVER feel like you are only meant for one career. Also about college… college Jessica was a different Jessica – and man I wish I could go back and do it over again. I would be the best student/friend/roommate ever! I had fun in college… and I don’t regret it, but man I wish I had focused on being a student a little more!

Throughout this blog you will learn about me – I am an ambitious, caring, determined, stubborn, passionate, loving, structured, goal oriented, friend, daughter, coworker, wife, mom.  I love life, I love helping people, I love motivating women to be the best version of themselves because we deserve it, and so does our community. I will talk a lot about my experiences – leave the judgement at the door. There’s no room for that here.

the honest truth. I can’t wait to get to know all of you. And I hope the truth I share with you allows you to seek your truth.

Xo – Jessica

Blogging, what in the world?

Let me start by saying — I AM NOT A WRITER — like at all. Yep, you read that right, I. AM. NOT. A. WRITER. I actually went to NCSTATE and got my degree in Biology where the only writing you will do is explaining the results you got from a lab experiment you did. That’s the kind of writing I do. This is a little scary for me. Having a blog. Writing for people to read. Or just writing in general. I always feel like people have an expectation of someone’s writing ability, myself included.

**throws hands in the air** Oh well — I am throwing away all expectations of any blog or blog writer. And you should too. I have started like 3-4 blogs since college and none of them have stuck: 1. because I wasn’t being true to myself. 2. because I felt like if I didn’t have followers then it wasn’t worth writing. 3. because I felt like I wasn’t a good writer. 4. because I felt like I didn’t have anything worth writing about… Did you hear all of that? Everything was an external thought about what someone else would think! (Except for number one, but 2-4 contributed to number 1.)

I am going into this blogging world full force (despite what anyone thinks) because I have a lot to say. I want to share my stories with you. I want to motivate you. I want to share life with you. I want you to take these topics and have deeper conversations with your friends, family, daughter, mother, whoever! I want you to be honest with yourself. I want you to care. I want you to make a difference. Most of all I want you to love yourself. Like really love yourself. You are beautiful, smart, and talented and I want you to share that with the world!

My friend, who’s in blogging/social media world, kept telling me “You have so much to write about! You need to start a blog and share all of these things with everyone!” I would look at him like he was crazy and then come up with so many excuses as to why I COULDN’T/SHOULDN’T start a blog… I was JUST a simple mom doing typical mom things, I can’t write, I don’t know how to put together a blog site, what in the world is my focus?, no one cares what I have to say… the list goes on! I decided I am going to stop making excuses because maybe I can’t write, but I am sure as hell going to try! [You should know I cuss a little bit when I get excited/energized about something. :)] I might be a simple mom doing typical mom things, but let’s face it, no kid is the same, and parenting ain’t easy, so I am willing to share my stories in the full honest truth so you don’t feel alone, and because, I also need a community! [And I’m not JUST a mom, I’m a woman, a brave, powerful, strong woman at that.] I don’t know how to put together a blog site, but I am going to watch YouTube videos and take webinars to learn. My focus for now is being honest, because that is all I know how to be, but that might change, and that’s okay. And maybe no one cares what I have to say, but I care, and I want to share it with you. So allow me to HONESTLY share with you. The Honest Truth blog.

I ask when you read my words that you keep an open mind. That you challenge yourself. That you love yourself. That you care for others. That you are kind and free of judgement. That you love. And that you share, care, and love others. It’s a tough world out there, let’s make it better by being our best honest self.

Join me as I vulnerably step into the blogging world. eek!

xo – Jessica