Women

Can you allow me to talk about women? I am not looking for political banter or judgement, I just want to talk about women for a quick second.

First, let me say — I love women. They are powerful in EVERY WAY! They can grow life inside their bodies, they can feed this new life, they are chefs.taxi drivers.event planners.college educated.career oriented.nurturing.loving.daycare managers.directors.business owners.investors.cheerleaders.emotional educators.communication facilitators… they are everything! Their body cleanses itself monthly by bleeding and it’s painful, but women continue their life as if nothing is happening. –I want to quote Shaun T here and say’ “LIKE DO YOU KNOW!?” Women, you are rockstars, like total rockstars!

I am always amazed at how hard we are on each other. Why do we do that?

When I was in college Facebook, and social media in general, were making their debut, so I actually remember life without social media. It was quite nice looking back on it — now I don’t want to get on a social media rant here, because that is not the problem. The problem is women. No one is ever good enough, we aren’t even good enough for ourselves! Crazy how that works! I remember when Hillary Clinton was running for president, I heard the worst criticism from WOMEN about the female candidate. Now, I am not saying that because you are a woman that you should have liked/voted/chosen Hillary Clinton as your candidate, I am simply saying comments like, “Is the world ready for a female president?” is not empowering women.

OF COURSE the world is ready for a female president! I often think about Mulan in this scenario — what if Hillary Clinton had run as a man and in the final hour revealed that she was a woman. Would she have won? I don’t know, but it’s definitely something to think about.

Outside of politics because I know that can be touchy — women can vote. women can be doctors — they can save people’s lives! women can be lawyers. women can own businesses. women can play sports. women can go to space and work in nasa. women can go to college. women can.

So again I ask, why are we so hard on other women? Why are we hard on ourselves?

There is no perfect woman. And if there was, what would make her perfect?

Give grace ladies. to yourself first and foremost, and then to others because perfection is nonexistent.

I love Mother Teresa, I’m not sure why. Ever since I was a little girl I felt positive energies from her — later on, maybe when I was about 13,  my VERY catholic grandmother shared with me that she saw in a dream her saint and it was saint Teresa. I figured that is why I felt a strong vibe to Mother Teresa — ladies, Mother Teresa was not perfect! You know how I know? BECAUSE NO ONE IS PERFECT! You know what she did do? She tried her best, and she did what she thought was the right thing to do. She followed her calling, she cared for others, she gave grace.

I am not saying we all need to be Mother Teresa because well, she’s a saint, but I am saying we can be a little more forgiving. We can love each other a little more. We can love ourselves a little more.

Recently, I was at the park with my kids and I made a mom friend — HOORAY! For all you mom’s out there you know how hard and awkward this interaction can be. This new mom friend was telling me about this local mom gathering she went to where a bunch of women got together, drank wine, and hung out. Sounds harmless right? She said when she walked in no one welcomed her, greeted her, or acknowledged her, and she didn’t feel like it was a place she wanted to be. She stuck it out for a little bit and continued to feel like she didn’t belong — she left feeling “not normal” and decided to not go back. LADIES, if there is someone new in a large group, thank them for coming and introduce them to someone. If someone looks timid and unsure, it’s probably because they are so give a little grace. Making friends is hard. Women are tough. GIVE GRACE. SHOW LOVE. Let’s change the world.

xo,

Jessica

Happy summer!

I have been on a reading train lately! Mainly because an audiobook is my jam and well.. #selfcare2019. I can listen in the car after dropping the kids at school, and I recently bought these bluetooth headphones that I put on in bed to relax before falling asleep. [I listen to my book instead of scrolling on social media and it’s been a game changer to my night and to sleeping.] I want to share my book list with you as we go into the summer because in my head I think everyone has more time in the summer. Maybe a little vacation, or beach sitting is in your future? I highly recommend all of the books below — share with me some of the books you’ve read or recommend some of the books that are on your list to read.

Me with my bluetooth headphones.. they are good for conference calls too! ha!

Reading is something I always want to do more of, but I can always come up with a million reasons why I can’t read. “I’m a mom, who has time?” “There’s nothing I really want to read.” “I’m not interested in fiction books.” “I read emails/magazines/kid books.” I could go on.. these are all ridiculous excuses that I let myself believe for way too long. This year I made it a priority to get into a reading groove.. and I found one. I knew I could not read a physical book, I just do not have the time to make that happen. I tried carrying it around with me and reading when I have a second, but that is too much to think about — for me when I have a second to sit somewhere in silence, that’s exactly what I do. Typically the car is where I have time to “read”. A few other things you should know about my reading preferences… I like to only read one book at a time, and I really don’t like fiction. [There have been a handful of fiction books that I actually like.]

I did research about audible, but it turns out that subscription is $14ish per month and that is wayyy outside of my budget, especially since you only get one book per month and I wanted to read more than that. If you want another book, you have to pay for the book itself. I was also finding they didn’t have books available that I wanted to read.

I recently became a member of our local library and they have all kinds of resources that are similar to audible — FOR FREE! It’s been pretty amazing for my reading train. I can borrow 3 audiobooks at once per month, and they even have kid audiobooks which my kids really have started to love on a car ride! They request to listen to books on the way to school and really anytime they are in the car. Check out your local library, I am sure they have plenty of options for you if you are trying to read more. [The apps our library uses are: OverDrive, Hoopla, and Libby — look them up!]

Here’s my list of reading recommendations!

1. Becoming – By: Michelle Obama
2. Born a Crime – By: Trevor Noah
3. Always Eat Left handed – By: Rohit Bhargava
4. Unfuck Yourself – By: Gary John Bishop
5. Girl Wash Your Face – By: Rachel Hollis
6. Girl Stop Apologizing – By: Rachel Hollis
7. The Power of Vulnerability – By: Brene Brown
8. Yes Please – By: Amy Poehler
9. Bossypants – By: Tina Fey

ON DECK I have:

1. Where the Crawdads Sing – By: Delia Owens
2. Digital Minimalism – By: Cal Newport
3. Educated – By: Tara Westover
4. Sisters First – By: Jenna Bush Hager

Can’t wait to hear about your book list!

xo, Jessica

Who’s watching you?

The other day at church I looked over at my daughter sitting next to me and she had her legs crossed nice, her hands placed in her lap, and she was looking forward as if she was actively reading the screen in front of her. When I looked at her and noticed all of these things, I had to hold back tears. She was doing exactly what I was doing. Thankfully she noticed me looking at her and gave me the biggest smile because she knew she was copying me and that I had caught her — also it helped for me not to bust out in all out tears of mommy joy.

What a reality check! These little people watch everything you do! (and say everything you say!) What if I told you it’s not just little people who look up to you and watch everything you do? What if I told you that you had friends/family members/neighbors/acquaintances who watch your moves and look up to you as a role model. How would that make you feel? How would that make you change what you did?

I have so many friends I admire and look to for guidance. I want to copy their ways and do exactly like them because they make it look so flawless and easy. We all know it’s never flawless and easy, but why not tell that person, “Hey I really admire you for…” Why don’t we do more complimenting and congratulating? We like it when we receive those affirmations, why don’t we give them out more?

I was on the phone with a dear friend recently where she was describing feeling like her and her family were at a standstill career-wise. They didn’t know what the next step was.. she had applied for a job but wasn’t sure if she would get it, her husband didn’t get any of the jobs he had applied for and was considering schooling again, and they were also considering LIVING ABROAD with their 2 young kids. For me that seemed like such a stressful idea, that would just never be on my plate of options to consider! Instead of saying, “Are you sure you want to consider living abroad with 2 littles?” I said, “Wow! I admire you. You are so brave to have that be an option for your family to consider!” Because truly, I admire her. She is so level headed and easy going and she was telling me about some stressors she was feeling, but her stressors just made me proud to know her and to be her friend. I only wish I could consider moving my family abroad… as much as I want to live abroad, I don’t know if I can handle the anxiety and stress of navigating all the nuances with 2 little babes.

Ladies, you never know who is watching. I know that sounds a little creepy — but I am only saying this so you remember everyday to be your best self. If you are a mom, pretend your kids are always with you watching you, how would you want them to see you? What would make them most proud? If you are not a mom, pretend your mom/dad/best friend/partner/sister/brother/neighbor is always with you and watching you, how would you want them to see you? What would make them most proud? That’s how you are your best self. Remembering that you are leaving a legacy with everyone around you. Want to know how you do this? BE YOU! BE YOUR BEST YOU! Can you believe it’s that easy? BELIEVE IN YOU. BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND THE PERSON YOU ARE.

Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I believe in me.” “I am my best self today and everyday!”

Someone is always watching and admiring. You are loved more than you know.

xo,

Jessica

From Mother to Mother

Happy Father’s Day to all you wonderful Father’s out there. I hope your day is filled with family fun, that you feel loved and appreciated, and that you are able to spend some time reflecting on your role in your child’s life.

In late May, I lost a friend. She died giving birth to her sweet baby girl Margaret Charles. Now, I don’t know any of the details, but I can’t help but get frustrated thinking it’s 2019, mother’s shouldn’t die giving birth to their children!

Some statistics I read that only added fuel to my fire…

The CDC says, “Women in the United States are more likely to die from childbirth or pregnancy-related causes than other women in the developed world. More details are needed to better understand the actual causes of death, but research suggests that half of these deaths are preventable. Racial disparities persist. The risk of pregnancy-related deaths for black women is 3 to 4 times higher than those of white women.”

From National Geographic, “More than 700 women die each year in the U.S. from causes related to pregnancy or childbirth. Black women have a maternal mortality rate three times higher than that of white women. At least 60 percent of maternal deaths are preventable.”

Sarah O’Steen McArthur – she was a firecracker. Quick on her feet. Vibrant. Happy. Positive. Inquisitive. Thoughtful. Daring. She was ALWAYS up for a challenge. Someone shared with me that when she came to graduate school she had never been on a canoe, and to be honest when I first met her, she didn’t look like the kind of person who would even think about getting on a canoe. She took a class that was based in the outdoors and went canoeing for the first time. That next semester she decided to take her staff canoeing as a team builder. That was the kind of person she was! Confident. Always looking for new ways to grow and be better. She was a light, her smile and laughter would light up a room. You could not have a frown when you were around this woman. She radiated JOY and HAPPINESS. Even when she was angry, it was like there was still this light about her. I remember when she announced on Facebook that she was pregnant — I was OVERJOYED for her and her husband. She was due in May (and since both my babies are May babies) I reached out and told her how excited I was for her and that of course May babies are the best! In true genuine Sarah fashion, she shared how thrilled she was to be expecting and that she would certainly be in touch with me about all baby things when the time came…. and now she’s gone. Just like that, gone.

This Father’s Day I would like to celebrate Marshall McArthur. In May, he lost his radiant wife and gained a beautiful daughter to which he is now her sole provider, cheerleader, advocate, parent, lover, and caregiver. He is grieving and joyful. He is angry and grateful. In my honest fashion, I do not know Marshall that well. But the people I do know that know him speak nothing but greatness about him. Sarah loved him. I cannot imagine what he is going through on a daily basis with a newborn and grieving the loss of his partner in life. They planned to go into the hospital as a family of 2 and come out a family of 3. I still cannot fathom this tragic loss.

I don’t want to get too political here, but it seems if we are going to ban abortion, we should figure out how to keep women alive during childbirth first. Let’s not put the cart before the horse here people. Beautiful souls should not lose their life bringing life into the world. It’s just not necessary.

Happy Father’s Day to all the Father’s out there — and cheers to you Marshall.

xo, Jessica

By the way: if you would like to give financially to Marshall and Margaret, please do so here. Marshall will have to figure out how to financially support Margaret on one salary (where originally he planned to have 2 salaries) and both of their families live in NC/SC and currently he is residing in California, so I am sure travel money would also be helpful for family support. Anyway  you can help is uplifting.

“Be your best self”

Be your best self, how many times do you hear this? Do you think, what does this mean? What is my best self? I realized that I kept saying this to you and i didn’t even explain what it meant. So my apologies. Here we go.

Best self photo 1

best self photo 2

best self photo 3

[These are photos I like to consider my best self — pick 3 photos you consider your best self.]

Dear best self who are you?

FIRST, relieve yourself of ALL expectations of who you THINK you should be. This isn’t about that. This is about who you ARE RIGHT NOW. Expectations are not allowed here. Just truths.

NEXT, I want you to think of a time when you did something that everyone around you congratulated, or complimented you, or gave you positive feedback. Maybe it’s not one specific time, but maybe if you wrote down compliments, congratulations, and positive feedback that stuck with you and you traced that back to certain scenarios. You may need to do this for several areas in your life. A few might be: as a mom, in your career, as a wife, as a woman, etc.

FOR EXAMPLE — for me, when I was rethinking my career path, I knew I didn’t want to stick with Student Affairs. I liked it, but I wanted something more flexible. I started to think about my previous positions and what positive feedback I had gotten. I remembered people telling me I was good at processes, and good with people, good with data…. all of these things brought me to HR. I liked HR in every position I had held. I liked the people, the processes, the policies, procedures, data, all of it. It fired me up, made me excited to work. But had I not stopped to think about the compliments, congratulations, and positive feedback, I would have never gotten to the point of finding my career fire.

I call it a fire. You can call it whatever you want. A firecracker. A light. a JOY. A lightening bolt. Something that energizes you. Something you can focus on and love to your core. With every cell in your body.

You may have read about this in my first blog, but I talked about why I am writing this blog. It FIRES ME UP! I love this, and honestly I hope you love it too. But I didn’t just wake up one day and say “I am going to write a blog!” It took a lot of soul searching and thoughtful processes. Here’s sort of my path: when thinking about my compliments, congratulations, and positive feedback people always valued my perspective as a mother, it was always my perspective and what I did, and if you utilized my method great, if not, owell, but ultimately you have to do what works for you. People would often come to me for womanly advice. Again, if you used it and it worked GREAT, if not, owell. I personally felt passionate about helping/empowering/inspiring women. I want to build women up to be their best, but often we don’t take the time to explore what it means to be our best self. We go through life day after day, and then one day we decide we don’t like what we are doing and everyone in our path suffers. Hence, how the blog came about. It is a way for me to write to you about how to help and care for yourself based on experiences I have had. If anything, it’s a place for you to start thinking about more.

FINAL STEP, live out your best self! Once you figure out a little piece of what your best self is, LIVE IT OUT! Chip away at each little piece. Brainstorm. Cry. Laugh. Jump for Joy. Take the time for you. Live out your best self.

Your best self is a confident self. Who believes in everything they are doing or have done. There is a radiance, a glow, a light when you are your best self. I assure you you’ll find it in the mirror when you look. Your best self acts in line with your values and works to achieve greatness in whatever way you have defined that. When someone asks: “What are your values and how do you live those out everyday?” Your best self will be able to answer with an elevator speech without hesitation. Your best self will change over time, do NOT be alarmed. This is normal. It’s because as we get older we have more experiences that maybe change the way we think. It’s okay, just start over with your exploration and your best self will resurface I assure you.

This was freeing for me. Letting go of expectations of myself and being ME. The person I was made to be.

Be the bolt of lightening in the room always!

xo,

Jessica

L-O-V-E Your body.

#selfcare2019 love your body.

This is harder for me than it sounds. Can I tell you something? I have a hard time loving my body. Yeah yeah yeah.. I know.. I should love my body, I have had 2 children, I have 2 legs, I have 2 arms… my body is a beautiful temple that was made just for my gifts. But sometimes I don’t love my body.

I hate that I don’t always love my body… I think media has created this image that we think we should all be and no matter how much you try to keep that out of your brain/life it seeps through the tiniest little cracks and wreaks havoc on your mental state. It’s like there is a little voice in your head telling you all the things wrong with your body, and you have to fight it away.

When I get to this place of not really loving the skin I’m in I ask myself: “What do I need to do to love my body?” My answer: “Nothing.. just love yourself for who you are.” That is easier said than done!

I am already VERY active — but it’s more than working out. I eat healthy — but it’s more than what you eat. I feel I am worthy — but it’s more than that. I need to love every piece of my body. I am more than the weight on the scale — I am more than that.  

When I was in high school, I didn’t love my body. When I was in college, I didn’t love my body. When I got married, I didn’t love my body. NOW, I don’t love my body, but I love the body I had in high school, college, and right after I got married. Funny how that works, right? So NOW, I am working on loving the body I have because it’s pretty awesome.

Body image is socially constructed. We all have our own idea of what the “perfect body” looks like.  It can interfere with so many areas of your life. [I know because I often feel this.] When I get to this place of feeling down here’s what I do — I remind myself everyday that I am strong and beautiful. Like literally say the words out loud. I actively listen to the compliments my husband gives me daily! [He’s kind of sweet about this… and I always brush him off. sorry hunny.. I’m working on this!] I give myself so much grace! like so much grace! I spend time meditating and asking myself questions “Why do you feel this way?” “What can you do to change it?” “What realistic goals are you going to set for yourself?” I also remind myself that I HAVE THE PERFECT BODY. I do. My body is perfect in everyway. I am beautiful, and my family thinks the world of me. I think the world of me — I think I am worth it — I think I am smart and brave and kind. See what I did there? I said all the things I am so that little negative self love voice doesn’t seep into my mind.. I have to work hard to shoo it out.

This is not an easy journey — it’s something that constantly needs work. Stop shaming yourself. Love your body and the rest works itself out. Again I realize this is not an easy task…

When I am in a place of loving my body I have noticed a few things: 1. I have not been on social media very much [i set limits on my phone so it shuts down my social media apps after 1 hour per day.] 2. i workout consistently with a mix of cardio and strength — feeling strong makes me love my body. 3. I eat nourishing food, and I don’t overeat. Let me be clear here — I don’t hold back from foods I love, I just eat 1 piece instead of maybe 4 or 5.  4. I sleep really well and I sleep 7+ hours/night. 5. I am able to be fully involved and nurture the important relationships around me. 6. I do meditation regularly. 7. Overall I feel good.. I am in a mentally free space.

Have you heard of Simply Sadie Jane? I follow her on instagram, and she is a great teacher and advocate of loving yourself for who you are. She has guided meditations that I have done and love. She talks a lot about self love and self care. [I am in no way being paid to talk about Sadie Jane, I just really like her stuff.] You should check her out if you are struggling with loving your body.

I have a secret for you: You are beautiful. [Imagine me yelling this–] YOU.ARE.BEAUTIFUL!!!!! YOU.ARE.MEANT TO BE CELEBRATED EVERYDAY! YOU.ARE.YOUR.BEST SELF!

Start waking up 15 minutes earlier every morning to meditate. Need some suggestions? Reach out I would be glad to help you. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are beautiful and worth it everyday. Energize your body. Energize every cell in your body. Love your body. Give yourself grace.

Excuse me while I go and take my own advice…

xo, Jessica

Celebrate Celebrate Celebrate!!

“Celebrate good times, COME ON!” You know that song right? By Kool & The Gang — it’s a wedding favorite. This song typically kicks off the dance floor, people sing, do a little jig because everyone is actually celebrating a good time!

Real talk, do you ever play this song in the kitchen/your car/the living room/the shower, I mean blast it, sing to the top of your lungs and actually celebrate something that happened in your day? I’m going to go ahead and guess the answer is no here. We often do not celebrate the small wins. We often do not celebrate at all. We can come up with a million reasons not to celebrate… but why? Celebrating is fun! I like a celebration!

Today is my 7 year anniversary. SEVEN YEARS! Some of you may think that is not a long time, but it is! We’ve almost made it to the national average of years married at 8.2 years! 7 years is a long time! And we’re celebrating. Since the day we got married we made it a priority in our marriage to celebrate our anniversaries. We’ve always taken vacations or time to ourselves even if it is just a nice dinner out for a few hours. We talk about challenges, goals, our love and how it’s changed/grown, and we hold ourselves to a different standard in the next year to be a better partner. We celebrate!

Honeymoon, 1st year married, 2nd year married.. 

Year 3 married and VERY tired with a newborn.

Year 4

Year 5 and tired after newborn #2.

Year 7

 

Celebrations don’t have to be big — small celebrations are just as meaningful. My daughter’s (our first born’s) birthday is always something we celebrate. [We celebrate our son too, but for the sake of this piece I’m going to talk about her.] We celebrate her growing another year, and we celebrate making it through parenthood together another year. Every year I ask her, “Elizabeth, your birthday is coming up! How do you want to celebrate?” Without fail, for 2 years running now, she invites her family, wants a sweet treat [one year it was cereal], wants people to sing happy birthday to her, and she wants to go to the beach. That’s how my girl celebrates – her family, her favorite food, and her happy place. I love it! I want to teach my children how to celebrate the small things and the big things because life is worth celebrating.

Celebrations spark JOY. And JOY sparks well a lot of other things! How many of you wake up in the morning and the first thing you say is, “Ugh, I didn’t sleep well.” OR “Ugh, I could sleep for another 5 years!” OR “Ugh, today is only Tuesday.” OR worse.. start your day by scrolling on social media/checking emails? [That’s a whole other story!] What if you woke up and made yourself say “Today is Tuesday and it’s going to be a great day!” You might feel silly the first time, but I bet after about 2 weeks of waking up with a small celebration you will have better days, and you will feel more energized.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with sleeping, I would get so hot in the middle of the night, then I would get cold, and basically I would toss and turn all night and wake up feeling exhausted saying something like “Man I didn’t sleep at all last night!” Then I would be angry the rest of the day. Let me tell you this didn’t bode well for me, my children, or my husband. OOppps! ha. I was so sick of feeling this way and acting in a way that wasn’t reflective of who I wanted to be, so I started an experiment. I changed blankets, slept with the fan, without the fan, changed the direction the fan blows (yes this is a thing, I can show you if you are wondering–I learned it from a friend and I can pass on this amazing knowledge), changed sleepwear, changed sheets, you name it.. I experimented. And instead of waking up saying “Ugh, I didn’t sleep again last night.” I said, “Well that didn’t work, but I will try something new tonight and today is going to be a great day.” I really work hard to wake up and say positive statements to myself, somehow it really changes the way I look at what is ahead. In case you are wondering — THIS IS CELEBRATING!

Celebrate folks! Celebrate new jobs, heck celebrate them twice — when you get the offer and when you sign your contract. Celebrate making it to the weekend! Celebrate having a home cooked meal! Celebrate yourself. You are worth it! I assure you, if you start celebrating more, you will feel more joy, you will love others more, you will have more grace, and you’ll probably have more time on your hands because well celebrations are productive, stress/bad moods/stagnant days are exhausting and time suckers.

Celebrate with me friends!

xo – Jessica